Satisfaction -- Kuntento

I am in a battle with myself right now. I dunno what's wrong, pero nahihirapan ako. Nasasaktan. Hindi para sa sarili ko, pero para sa anak ko. 

I have been married for 8 years now. My only child, is 7 years old. She's in grade two. And as hard as it is na bumuhay ng pamilya, pinili naming mag-asawa na pag-aralin ang anak namin sa isang pribadong eskwelahan na malapit lamang sa aming tirahan. Nung maliit pa yung anak ko, around 2 or 3 years old, e issue ko na ito sa pagitan nya at ng ibang bata. Hindi siya naturalente na bibo, na palakwento. Nung maliit pa nga sya medyo bulol pa. Pero magaling sya sa puzzle at sa pagtago ng mga bagay na hindi kanya (mga laruan ng pinsan nya na nakakaligtaan itabi, kanya na daw yun!) Matagal bago nya na-memorize ang ABC at mga colors. She's 3.3 years old when she entered junior casa. She got an award not in any subject but an award in conduct. When she was 4, I transferred her into another school, yan na yung school kung nasaan sya ngayon. On her graduation sa preparatory, she got another award. Again it was for her conduct. Napakabait ng anak ko sa school.

My child is in grade 2 now, at since nag-aral sya, never pa siya naka-receive ng merit sa kahit anong subject nya. It always break my heart kapag nauwi sya at iiyak kasi tinutukso sya ng friends nya, kasi hindi daw sya kasama sa mga achievers (achievers are those who got a grade of 90 up on every subject). Sabi ko, okay ay lang yun, na nasa 90+ lahat ng subjects nya, pwera sa Math. Na makakahabol pa sya. Pero hindi sya nakahabol. Kahit tumaas na yung grades nya sa Math (88!) hindi pa rin pasok sa mga achievers. Overtime, naging ok lang sa kanya na hindi talaga tataas pa yung grades nya sa Math nung nasa grade 1 sya. 

Pero it was different with me. Kahit anong sabi ko na okay lang yun. Sa isip, sa damdamin ko, na sana matalino rin yung anak ko. Na achiever din sya. Na sana, mataas lahat ng score nya sa mga exam nya. Na sana gaya sya ng ibang bata na magaling sa comprehension, na magaling sa Math. Na sana, hindi sya mahilig manood ng teleserye kundi magbasa ng madaming libro. Puro sana. Puro comparison. Pinukpok ko sya ng husto sa pagre-review. Pinainom ng vitamins na maraming Omega-3. Hinataw sa maraming worksheets at exercises. Pero ganun pa rin. Puro dissapointment pa rin sa part ko. At nung umiling na ko nung nakita ko mga score nya. I saw sadness in my child's eyes. I saw how sorry she was for failing me. THAT WAS BAD ON MY PART.

I should be proud of what my child can achieve. Kahit maliit na bagay, I know that she tries her best to make me proud. To make me smile, and make me happy.  I should be satisfied with her abilities, her intelligence, her strength.  I feel like that I don't have the right to judge her just because she got a low grade on her math exam, or on any other subject, for that matter. Her happiness is what's important. Because, if she's happy, she can be confident in anything. She can achieve anything that her heart would desire, ika nga.

And when  I look at her as she sleeps, I feel disappointed  with myself for being so shallow, so insecure. She's only 7 and she can read a whole English book! Kahit pa sabihin mo na half lang yung naiintindihan nya na mga words.

Never again, I am vowing that. 

I will always be proud of my princess. Sa kahit anong bagay, sa kahit anong score. Si Einstein at Bill Gates nga e drop-out di ba?! Malay mo, sa kanya pala ako yayaman! 

If my princess is happy, then I, too will be happy.  :)